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Revenge is sweet and deadly. Revenge has power to turn neighbour against neighbour. It arouses violent behaviour. It gives legitimacy to terrible acts and gives perpetrators exhilarating satisfaction. When the exhilaration is over, revenge achieves little of value. It breeds a never-ending cycle of violence and anger. It betrays weakness in leaders and creates more harm. If revenge isn’t sweet why do we think it is? . The thirst for revenge is tied to our emotions and the most primal of our needs. When threatened by shortages that imperil our family, our community, or our future our first instinct is to defend and attack. Recent examples in Palestine, in Sudan and in Rwanda show where the need to protect can quickly escalate from defence to retribution and to revenge. Our system of traditional beliefs and folk law teach that if we are attacked we have to make sure those attacking learn their lesson and don’t do it again. If a younger brother loses a fight and comes home with a bloody nose, elder brother goes out and gives the other boy a bloody nose too. If someone breaks the rules they should pay. Revenge is getting even with those who hurt us. We’re taught that revenge and retribution restore the offender and the victim back to their rightful positions. If its right and fair why doesn’t revenge satisfy our hate and hurt? The danger with seeking justice using retribution is that we begin to count the wrongs done to us and require that the punishments are proportionate to the hurt we feel. Throwing a firebomb may be immediately satisfying but it rarely heals the hurt that lives with hate. Revenge focuses on personal hurt. We get caught up in the need to get even and transfer our hurt on to the other person. We instinctively build barriers and shields to protect ourselves from further pain. We create an image of those who hurt us in which their every act is seen as a threat. This takes a great deal of energy and emotional stress. In day-to-day life how do we manage revenge and refocus all this energy and emotion? Happily many businesses have a fully integrated conflict management system where conflicts are dealt with early in an open and trusted manner. This reduces the need to use the option of revenge. In any conflict revenge can emerge, it is a recognised defensive action and the sooner it is managed the less damage it causes. Recently I facilitated a workplace dispute where the management promised to consult with the office employees to solve their grievances. The frustration of the employees from a lack of action manifested itself in the form of a regular stream of letters alleging Health and Safety infringements, individual grievances to higher management and letters to the Ombudsman office. In a private conversation with the employees they said “we will hammer them with grievances” and that “this will make them listen. Their language was no longer about creating solutions but focussed on anger and revenge. Fortunately there are three steps that can help in managing and defusing revenge behaviour First, identify what lies behind the need for revenge. A genuine sense of curiosity in the other person will help in this mutual understanding. Second, identify the emotions and acknowledge that they must be dealt with. Face the anger and be prepared for the sense of loss when the need for revenge is gone. The greater the emotional attachment to a conflict the less chance the participants will stand back to view the real issues. The management of the emotion is key in moving through revenge. Third, revenge can be curbed by outside intervention and a sense of proportionality. Move participants away from punishment and look towards the future through the power of apology and forgiveness. Revenge is a false sweetness; it feeds on both the victim and the perpetrator.
Revenge seldom brings the relief the perpetrator seeks but makes a victim of everyone. Don’t seek revenge. Recognise the causes of the anger and seek an early resolution. Beware; revenge makes victims of us all.
Kenneth Lloyd is a principal mediator and coach for leadership and conflict management with Conflict Cooperative. | |
