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Conflict is not a dirty word. It happens every day, in every home, in every workplace and in every business. Even such altruistic groups as Churches, Congregations and Voluntary groups are not immune. It’s everywhere. It can creep into a small office as effectively as it can explode inside a large consortium. A conflict can sit ignored like a dead elephant in the middle of the boardroom as easily as it can fester in the mailroom. It can erode relationships, drive talented workers out of your company and create barriers to developing creativity that can break any marketing team. Yet without conflict there are no new ideas, no development, no improvement and no evolution. If it’s so pervasive, natural and beneficial, why is it so potentially destructive, unpleasant and painful? Conflict can be destructive because like a virus that mutates to match the host, conflict evolves to fit each relationship and organisation. It can become so much a part of the way we do business that it becomes routine. We can try to ignore the conflict saying to ourselves, “she’s always like that;” or we can write off a conflict as a personality clash, “those two never get on;” or we can blame another group, saying “Well, what do you expect from that lot.” It is the way we manage conflict as an individual and as an organisation that determines whether the conflict evolves into a positive change or a destructive dispute. How to manage conflict and make use of all
the energy and emotion it can create?
First., take a deep breath and think beyond what you see in front of you. If this were an unexploded bomb ticking away, you wouldn’t rush blindly in. Same with a person or group in conflict, look beyond their anger and your own quick judgement of whose fault it is. Listen and assess what is happening until you can make some sense out of the conflict. Second., don’t make any judgements about whose fault it is or how it can be fixed, you probably don’t know the whole story yet. Just take a guess as to what the conflict is all about and don’t worry about being wrong, they will soon let you know if you are. Third., having got some sort of feedback
as to what the conflict is all about, now decide what you are going to do and
get on with it. Act. Do not raise false
hopes or start processes without following through all the way. The first casualty in any conflict is the
mutual loss of trust in the intentions of the other individual or group.
Recently, I facilitated a series of staff meetings for an office in conflict where the managers, their staff and union agreed changes and regular consultations to restore their workplace. A timetable for implementation was agreed and the grievances were held in abeyance by the union and members. Four weeks later I contacted the office to find out how things were going. The office manager who attended the original meeting had been transferred and the new manager was still busy reading into the position. The new manager did not anticipate being able to look at the agreement any time soon. There is now a risk that the delay will be seen as yet another trick by the management to avoid the issues. Trust is built slowly and can be lost in a moment. As with this manager’s predicament, a conflict is rarely the only thing happening in your life. As conflict grows it may become the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning, but it is rarely handled in total isolation or so dominant that it becomes the complete focus for your life. More normally, the conflict is running in the background like feedback through a set of speakers always there creating noise while we get on with doing business. The insidious effect of unresolved conflict is that it colours and interprets what we do without us even noticing. In mediation between a staff member and supervisor I noticed an uncharacteristic amount of sniping and demeaning comments coming from the supervisor against the member. In a private conversation, the supervisor revealed that over the past few weeks he had been increasingly seeing the conflict as a personal attack on his ability to manage. His self-doubt in his performance as a leader made him overly sensitive to criticism. What I had been observing was a change in behaviour created by the conflict in needing to win and needing to be seen to be right. Acknowledge and filter out the emotional noise to the conflict. Focus on your own self worth and use that lens to see the issues objectively.
Conflict is not a dirty word. It can be managed as a catalyst for dynamic change. When the emotion and energy of conflict is harnessed it firmly focuses in the future and can galvanise those involved with openness and clarity. If I had to choose a key factor for changing the black thunderous clouds of conflict into a growth opportunity it would be the exercise of objectivity. In an emotionally charged atmosphere of broken promises and blame, I find the freshness of objectivity can be pivotal. In conflict resist the desire to be adversarial, if you want to fight, get a lawyer. If you want to renew a working relationship focus on future needs. Resist making any judgement in the conflict; hold back from laying any blame and with an honest objectivity recognise your own role in the conflict. Above all, objectivity aids your ability to listen to the other person’s view and rebuild the trust that is the first casualty in any dispute. Conflict can be positive or negative. The choice is yours.
Kenneth Lloyd is a principal mediator and coach for leadership and conflict management with Conflict Cooperative. | |
