When there is a bucket of blame flying round the room it is with delicious relief that it misses you and falls onto someone else. Blame is easy to use, effective and attention grabbing. Why does blaming feel so good? . 

Blame feels so good because it feeds on our emotions and our sense of right and wrong. Blame is about making a judgement and looking backwards. “I was right and you were wrong.” In a quick short accusation we shift all responsibility to someone else. Blame is the same in an office, a war tribunal in Bosnia or a land claim in Caledonia. It can be complex or simple; it is a favourite negotiation tool for everyone.

   People can use blame to gain power through manipulating how others view being right and wrong. The effectiveness of any power grab using blame depends on the conflict management culture of the organisation. In some organisations being seen to be right is pivotal to position and continued employment. Always being right becomes part of the organisations identity and how it sees itself. In this type of organisation “It’s your fault!” gets quite a reaction. It can be the prelude to a power grab because blame takes the moral high ground and places everyone else on the defensive. No one wants to be blamed so others begin shifting positions to avoid sharing responsibility. The atmosphere created by blame is a power brokers dream. The focus is on who is to blame and not how we all contributed to the mistake. By not focusing on the whole picture the reason for the fault can be overlooked. When we are being blamed we forget that the only person who can make us feel bad about ourselves is our self. In blame we are so busy defending ourselves from what others think that we forget our own self-worth.

Blame is wonderfully versatile and can adapt to any purpose. In an extended family business, the eldest son does not want to succeed the father as chairman and is being blamed for being disloyal. The family is gathered together. The father chooses not to discuss succession and the concern he feels about the business but focuses his own frustrations on the son by blaming. The conflict spirals into entrenched positions from the father “I am the head of the family, you are the eldest son, you will do what is best for the family,” and the son “My wife’s family live out West, we are moving out there.” Emotions are getting in the way and the blaming is inflaming the issues. Words like ‘duty’ and ‘responsibility’ become interchangeable with ‘selfish’, ‘my right’ and ‘you owe me’. Family members begin separating to support one side or the other. Families know intuitively which buttons to push for aggravating a brother or a sister to an emotional overload. By the end of the meeting there is a real and deep divide. Can a family member already caught up in this whirlpool of accusation stop this? From my experience it would be rare. Blaming will bring out the deepest and hidden emotional secrets in a family and hurl them across the room like javelins. The wounds go deep. A trusted stranger has a better chance to bring the family together to look at the problem. Letting everyone have a chance to express all their concerns and encouraging everyone to work together is a proven way for finding a solution and reconciliation.

How do we manage blame and focus all this energy and emotion?
Happily many businesses have a fully integrated conflict management system where conflicts are dealt with early in an open and trusted manner. This reduces the reflex need to use blame. In any conflict, blame will be a spontaneous defence action; the sooner it is managed the less damage it creates.    

First. Decide whether the cause for blame needs judging and punishing or is it a growth and learning opportunity. The justice system accuses and blames those who infringe against our legal and moral standards. It publicly punishes and rehabilitates. Blaming, judging and punishing are legitimate means of conflict management. If we choose to punish consider that learning the truth can become more difficult and those involved will be less willing to apologise. In South Africa and Rwanda there were choices to be made for appropriating blame through truth and reconciliation. I suggest that from these examples that tribunals focused on blaming only tend to find conclusions whereas reconciliation is ongoing and encourages growth.

Second. Begin to understand what happened. Consider how processes organisation and people combined to create the fault. Combine resources to encourage problem solving. Be careful not to reintroduce blame at this stage, as it will cause those on the periphery of the fault to remain silent. Seek out where the fault was permitted to go unchecked. Seek out where communications and relationships broke down and information stalled. Confirm the roles and responsibilities of those involved.

Third. Ensure that the results of the enquiry are openly shared with the contributors. If processes need improvement, share the reasons for change, re-seek input and implement quickly. Improve and move ahead.

Back to our question, what has blame got to do with it? In conflict, blame arouses and inflames the issues. Blame infers punishment that shrouds the truth through the need to defend and shift responsibility. In managing blame consider whether it is appropriate to punish or to rebuild. The early management of conflict can minimise the damage done by blame.
Blame with care. It’s deeper than you think.

Kenneth Lloyd is a principal mediator and coach for leadership and conflict management with Conflict Cooperative.
He is a thirty-five year veteran with experience in military and law enforcement organisations in Hong Kong, the United Kingdom and Canada.
He is a Major in the Canadian Armed Forces Communication Reserve and the Commanding Officer of 705 (Hamilton) Communications Squadron. Ken has a Masters Degree in Conflict Analysis and Management.
Contact at Inquiry@conflictcooperative.com Tel (905) 825-9898